Spiritual Awareness
I am so selfish

Message written by

September 03, 2006 at 23:50:16:

I just feel so selfish for several reasons.
First of all, I find myself grieving so deeply for my son who was 8 when he was killed by a school bus in August 2004. The selfish part comes because my dad died 2 days after my son was killed yet I find myself crying (frequently, daily) for my son and periodically for my dad. I understand that my dad had a long life and Quentin was so young. I understand that the death of a child is unexpected while the death of a parent is to be expected. However, my dad had such a rough life... especially over the past 20+ years. So, why does my son come into my thoughts so much more frequently. I love my Poppy and I miss him and yet I grieve so much more for my son. why? I feel so guilty and selfish.

The other reason I feel selfish is the fact that I grieve for them at all. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are in a great place and doing so much better than they were here. However, I resently realized that I cry for MY needs. Because I miss them in MY life. Why can't I be happy that they are with God and pain free instead of crying at the sight of a picture, or the thought of a fun time. I cry because they are not physically here for me to hug and share the daily activities. This makes me a very selfish person.
Will I ever be forgiven? I can't seem to act any other way.

Sorry, just venting... and crying... and feeling sorry for myself. In other words... selfish!


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