Re: I am so selfish
Message written byKen
September 04, 2006 at 09:49:16:
In Reply to
I am so selfish
posted by Babzer
September 03, 2006 at 23:50:16:
: I just feel so selfish for several reasons.
: First of all, I find myself grieving so deeply for my son who was 8 when he was killed by a school bus in August 2004. The selfish part comes because my dad died 2 days after my son was killed yet I find myself crying (frequently, daily) for my son and periodically for my dad. I understand that my dad had a long life and Quentin was so young. I understand that the death of a child is unexpected while the death of a parent is to be expected. However, my dad had such a rough life... especially over the past 20+ years. So, why does my son come into my thoughts so much more frequently. I love my Poppy and I miss him and yet I grieve so much more for my son. why? I feel so guilty and selfish.
: The other reason I feel selfish is the fact that I grieve for them at all. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are in a great place and doing so much better than they were here. However, I resently realized that I cry for MY needs. Because I miss them in MY life. Why can't I be happy that they are with God and pain free instead of crying at the sight of a picture, or the thought of a fun time. I cry because they are not physically here for me to hug and share the daily activities. This makes me a very selfish person.
: Will I ever be forgiven? I can't seem to act any other way.
: Sorry, just venting... and crying... and feeling sorry for myself. In other words... selfish!
Well now, first of all you ask will I evr be forgiven? Trust me, there is absolutely nothing you have done to be forgiven for. Your feelings are quite normal, and if you didnt have these feelings then thats when you would have a problem. I have had two Near Death Experiences, and on the second one I was taken into the Light within the Light. My mother crossed over some 20 years ago, and my father 14 years ago. Even with my NDES, and the length of Earthly time that they had crossed over, theres not a day goes by that I dont tell them how much I love them, and that I miss their personnel embraces and love in my life. Theres even times that I look at their picture above my bed, and I get a tear in my eye. This tear isnt because I miss them so much, but its because I got to have them in my life and nuture my Spirit and Soul. Instead of having tears of Grief, I now experience tears of Joy.
As for grieving for your needs, this is exactly what you need to do for you. Bring your grief forth so that it doesnt boil over like hot water, or fester up like a boil and then burst. You must recognize grief, and then address grief. Yes your right, your thoughts are all about your needs, and I wouldnt expect anything less from a loving soul such as yours. These thoughts and memories are all about helping your best friend in her time of need, YOURSELF.
Our feelings and thoughts as we grow up are groomed to accept the loss of the parents and the elderly as a way of life, but that doesnt mean we miss them any less in their physical presence. As for our children though, we come to realize that were the older ones and that our souls should cross over first, but it just doesnt happen that way. Many little souls are taken early in their Earthly existence because that was what their Earthly souls were destined for. In other words when they cross over early in life they are actually handing out a homework assignment for us to do. Our expectations of our children are of not only the present but also for the future, but what we fail to realize is that living in a physical and material world is that the only time that really matters is NOW. Your feelings of grieving more for your son than your father are quite normal, and it doesnt by any means show me that you miss your son more than your father. To show these true feelings of your son, makes your father very proud of you. Your father, and son are both very, very proud of you, and love the family very much.
Take care, and have a beautamous day.
Reaching For Joy